Wallbanger by Alice Clayton
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
A Woman in Search of Her O, And Clive the Cat Steals the Show
While I giggled throughout Alice Clayton’s debut novel The Unidentified Redhead, this book stepped up the zany fun to the point I was laughing almost every page! Added to the humor was compelling characterization, crisp dialogue, and emotional punch that made this a definite 5 star read for me.
Interior designer Caroline Reynolds (hey I just realized that’s the name of the evil vice president from the TV show Prison Break) moves into a San Francisco apartment. Her mischievous cat Clive comes with her, but her orgasm does not. It’s been missing for months after a not-so-sexy rapid-fire bed battle with her ex Cory, and Caroline is climbing the walls to get it back. It doesn’t help when her bedroom wall bangs with the sexcapades of her neighbor Simon and his “harem”, including the spankee, giggler, and meower. The meower totally turns Clive on.
They say when a soldier loses a leg in battle, sometimes, late at night, he can still feel twinges of that leg — phantom pain, they call it. I lost my O in battle, the battle of Cory Weinstein, that machine-gun fucker — and I was still feeling the aftershocks. I’d been feeling twinges of the phantom O all week long.
One night Caroline dons a pink nightie to get in the mood and starts fantasizing about George Clooney. She’s about to recapture her missing O when the banging interrupts her, and she flies next door to chew out her man-whore neighbor. It’s the beginning of a hilarious wallbanger of a romance.
Caroline has no filter, much to the delight of her best friends Sophia and Mimi:
“So, has he been wall banging at all this week?” Sophia asked.
“Relatively quiet, actually. Either he really listened to me and is being neighborly, or his dick finally broke off in one of them and he’s sought medical attention,” I said, a little too loudly.
The table of businessmen must’ve been listening pretty closely as they all choked a little just then and shifted in their seats, perhaps crossing their legs in unwitting sympathy.
Like Caroline, I am dying to visit Spain, and when she discovers that Simon is an international photographer with an upcoming trip to Spain, she likes him even more. When Simon discovers Caroline bakes bread, he goes all mushy. Clive thinks they’re both nuts.
“You smell GREAT when you’re all worked up,” he said, waggling his eyebrows at me like the devil.
“Seriously, you pick women up with lines like that?” I turned away from him to take off my jacket and squeeze my thighs together maniacally.
Clive came bounding out of the bedroom when he heard my voice and stopped short when he saw Simon. Unfortunately, he had little traction on the hardwood floor and skidded rather ungracefully under the dining room table, Trying to regain his dignity, he executed a difficult four-foot leap from a standing position onto the bookshelf and waved me over with his paw. He wanted me to come to him — typical male.
I dropped my gym bag and sauntered over. “Hi, sweet boy. How was your day? Hmm? Did you play? Did you get a good nap?” I scratched behind his ear, and he purred loudly. He gave me his dreamy cat eyes and then turned his gaze to Simon. I swear he cat-smirked at him.
“Zucchini bread, huh? You want some more, I take it?” I asked.
“I know you have more. Simon says gimme it,” he deadpanned, making his finger into a gun.
“You’re oddly into your baked goods, aren’t you? Support group for that?”
Clive gets jealous of any man pursuing “the feeder” Caroline. This balloon won’t last long.
While the last fourth of the book didn’t hold quite the screwball humor and pacing of the prior chapters, overall I loved the story. I adored the unique POV of the last chapter. I thought Clive might turn the bottles of sand into a litter box!
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Wallbanger by Alice Clayton